I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be myself. I can lie and say I think I'm the most awesome thing since Disney, but I would just be kidding myself. I do that a lot lately-kid myself. My inner thought system has been so screwed up lately I can barely keep things straight. My mind is swimming with thoughts about what it means to be me and if what I think it means matches how other people see me. How do you see me? Lately I've been disecting things people say and try to see it for myself. 'A guy would be lucky to have you.' This is a puzzle to me. Why would he be lucky to have me? Somedays I for sure feel it is the other way around. What makes me so different than the next girl besides obvious outward appearence.
I've learned in the past to not judge myself based on other people and what they say. If I learned this then how am I supposed to listen and accept these things people say? 'You can do better than that.' Standard I hope you feel better words. I won't lie, I can't even begin to disect this because I've told someone this a bunch of times and honestly felt that he did diserve it. But things are easier to tell someone else then tell yourself. When you don't have someone there to help you in believing you can do better, well you just won't. I've learned that I can't be who I am alone. That there are several different people that aid or aided in making me who I am.
I always find it funny how people tell you to put yourself out there, go for it, and to try. I find it humorous because how often does that actually work. I can pursue you all I want without ideal results. It all comes down to the courage most of us don't have. Which I suppose is the actual point of this nonsense I've been typing. How do I convince myself that even if I do put myself out there and get a no that life isn't that bad? How do I convince myself that a no is better than not knowing? Can looking too deep into a conversation or something be justified as means for being brave?
Sometimes I think I should just quit. Do the whole what happens, happens bit. The problem in the end would be me comprimising who I am. I mean at least I know what I'm not. I'm not someone who is assertive, I'm not someone who takes being in pain easily. I'm not someone who can sit and wait for something to happen. I've gotten stronger, gotten wiser, but I'm not clear on everything just yet.
I know what I feel, and I know who I am most of the time. Shouldn't that interest you at all? Someone is giving you a glorious new chance. Why would you shy away from that?
